NFL15: Week 1

The NFL 2015 regular season kicks off today! I'm very excited to see which of 31 NFL teams end up winning the league championship. I'll be rooting for the Miami Dolphins, the NFL72 and NFL73 champions and NFL85* co-champions.

Thirty of the 31 legitimate NFL teams play games today; the Pittsburgh Steelers begin their real regular season in Week 2. It's not necessary to publish these standings today, given that all of the teams are 0-0--I just wanted to have the fun of typing each of their names because, even though I am a Dolphins guy, I really do just love the whole, legitimate NFL. I've listed the teams by conference, in the order of their NFL14 finish. Teams with the little "-z" won their divisions; teams with the little "-y" earned wild-card berths to the playoffs. The Buffalo Bills, with the little "-x," had the best record in the AFC East, but their division championship was awarded to a team that I no longer recognize as a legitimate member of the league. 

AFC (five or six teams will qualify for the playoffs)

Indianapolis Colts-z (NFL70, NFL06 champ; NFL03*, NFL14* co-champ) 0-0

Baltimore Ravens-y (NFL00, NFL12 champ; NFL11* co-champ) 0-0

Denver Broncos-z (NFL97, NFL98 champs) 0-0

Pittsburgh Steelers-z (NFL74, 75, 78, 79, 05, 08 champ; 01*, 04* co-champ) 0-0

Cincinnati Bengals-y 0-0

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Houston Texans 0-0

Kansas City Chiefs (NFL69 champ) 0-0 

San Diego Chargers (NFL07* co-champ) 0-0

Buffalo Bills-x 0-0

Miami Dolphins (NFL72, NFL73 champ; NFL85* co-champ) 0-0

Cleveland Browns 0-0

New York Jets (NFL68 champ) 0-0 

Jacksonville Jaguars (NFL97* c0-champ) 0-0

Oakland Raiders (NFL76, NFL80, NFL83 champ) 0-0

Tennessee Titans 0-0

NFC (six teams will qualify for the playoffs)

Seattle Seahawks-z (NFL13 champ, NFL14* co-champ) 0-0

Green Bay Packers-z 0-0 (NFL66, NFL67, NFL10 champ; NFL97* co-champ)

Dallas Cowboys-z 0-0 (NFL71, NFL77, NFL92, NFL93, NFL95 champ)

Carolina Panthers-z (NFL03* co-champ) 0-0

Arizona Cardinals-y 0-0

Detroit Lions-y 0-0

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Philadelphia Eagles (NFL04* co-champ) 0-0

San Francisco 49ers (NFL81, NFL84, NFL88, NFL89, NFL94 champ) 0-0

New Orleans Saints (NFL09 champ) 0-0

Minnesota Vikings 0-0

New York Giants (NFL86, NFL90 champ; NFL07*, NFL11* co-champ) 0-0

Atlanta Falcons 0-0

St. Louis Rams (NFL99 champ) 0-0

Chicago Bears (NFL85* co-champ) 0-0

Washington Redskins (NFL82, NFL87, NFL91 champ) 0-0

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (NFL02 champ) 0-0

(*In NFL85, the Chicago Bears won the Super Bowl and the Miami Dolphins lost the AFC championship against a team that I no longer recognize as a legitimate member of the NFL. The Dolphins beat the Bears in the regular season, so I do now privately consider the Dolphins the NFL85 champions--but because the Bears actually did win the Super Bowl and I am a fair person, I am willing to officially declare the Dolphins and Bears as co-champions of NFL85. Anyway, there are similar problems with the NFL97, NFL01, NFL03, NFL04, NFL07, NFL11 and NFL14 seasons, and you can look up those stories. I may do so some day, but I'm not going to today. Today is the first day of the legitimate, 31-team NFL15 regular season, and I'm ready to move forward and sweep away all of that unfortunate history.)

NFL draft, Thursday

So if I was Canton, Ohio, I would rebuild the whole town around the Pro Football Hall of Fame. I would construct 32 definable neighborhoods--one for each NFL team. Only verifiable fans or former players or coaches of that team would be allowed to move in to its district, and each district would have a small football stadium (or not so small; I'm flexible) constructed as an exact replica of its team's actual stadium or one of its former stadia (again, flexible).

NFL draft weekend would be the biggest deal of the year in my Canton.

Every team would have to confidentially register a complete list of all the prospects it might draft or sign as free agents after the draft, and all of those players would come to Canton for the weekend.

Furthermore, each team--all of its coaches and no fewer than 44 but no more than 88 players--would move in to its district for the week. Maybe the players would spread out into the guest bedrooms of their fans' houses. Or maybe their team would have a big dorm.

Tonight would start intra-squad scrimmages at each of the 32 team stadia around Canton. The Dolphins, for example, would have the first Aqua-vs.-Orange game (of four or five, maybe, of the weekend) at its Little Orange Bowl in the heart of Canton's Miami neighborhood. These would be coached by the actual staffs of the teams, and they would go on continuously throughout all seven rounds of the draft.

At the stadium next door to the Hall of Fame would commence a series of all-star games among all of the registered prospects. These games would be coached by two staffs comprised mostly of Super Bowl-winning teams. Tonight's first game, for example, might be coached by the surviving staff members of the 1974-75 Pittsburgh Steelers and the 1969-70 Kansas City Chiefs. These staffs would be augmented, as necessary, by former players of the team. (Len Dawson might take the place of dead '69-70 Chiefs head coach Hank Stram, while Joe Greene could sub for passed '74-75 Steelers defensive coordinator Bud Carson.)

Roger Goodell, Gene Washington, Mike Tirico, Mel Kiper, Corey Chavous, etc. would all be up in the booth, announcing picks and providing analysis over the P.A. system and TV. Down in the stands would be all of the personnel staffs of the 32 teams. As word of a selection is sent from the stands and to the booth, the chosen prospect would then by helicoptered directly to the intrasquad scrimmage of his new team. If that team already has 88 players, it would immediately have to cut a player to make room for the draft choice.

This goes on all weekend, with all sorts of interesting TV coverage addressing questions such as what fourth-year backup linebacker on the Falcons' roster is in jeopardy of losing his job with the arrival of Atlanta's third-round draft choice just a few seconds ago. Plus, in this weekend, NFL.com would release a huge batch of commissioned white papers with titles such as Good Selections That Didn't Work Out and Why; Back to the West Texas A&M Running Back Well: The Mercury Morris, Duane Thomas and Rocky Thompson Picks in 1969, '70 and '71, and Chuck Fairbanks's 1974 Draft Board.

Also throughout the weekend would go on open, global balloting for that year's Hall of Fame class. There would be four, maybe eight selections from the field of 32 seeded by the team-by-team nominating conventions that had taken place in the team's districts earlier in the week.

On Sunday afternoon and evening, following Saturday's draft conclusion, there would be a grand closing ceremony featuring marching bands and Up With People. The Hall of Fame class would be announced, as would the signings of free agents (both undrafted rookies and veteran cast-offs from other clubs). The players who failed to make an NFL roster would then be assigned to teams based in former NFL towns (Louisville, Evansville, Los Angeles, etc.) for a spring minor league. Everything would end happily for everyone.



I will entertain questions, comments and proposals as I watch the real draft, off and on this weekend.