1975: Congratulations, Shug Jordan

I'm pretty sure we've discussed Ralph "Shug" Jordan before. I'm a pretty big fan, so, if you know bad stuff about him, don't tell me. Anyway, I thought his last appearance on the weekly Auburn Football Review program was just so sweet. It aired at 5 on Sunday evening, Nov. 30, 1975, in Montgomery, Alabama. My favorite part is when his wife shows up at the end, and the South Central Bell Telephone dude presents the Jordans with a built-for-two, monogrammed stadium seat.

Congratulations, Coach and Mrs. Jordan. I hope you enjoy the next four and a half years together very much.

Here are the previous and future 1975 reports.

U.S. Women's Open Wrap-Up: Day 3

I did not see any of the golf today. Smart Mom decided that it was time for the Go Heaths to visit Appomattox -- a place we had never seen, despite living in Northern Virginia for decades. So we spent one of the hottest days of the year working our way down through the middle of Virginia to the place where Robert E. Lee finally surrendered.

Virginia is extravagantly proud of its history -- in the course of our trip today we spent time on the "Lee Highway," the "Seminole Trail," the "Zachary Taylor Highway," and the "James Madison Highway" -- but Appomattox was, in many ways, Virginia's low point. It proved, once and for all, that Virginians literally could not defend their own homes against the North. It broke Virginia's long and proud history of national political leadership, and condemned white Virginians to a century of hard-scrabble poverty. (We are spending the night in nearby Lynchburg, where the downtown is filled with the old factories where Virginians were happy to get jobs back in the early part of the 20th Century.) And, most painful of all, Virginia's mighty efforts in the Civil War were designed to preserve a slave system that can only be described as evil.

So how do you process that history? And what are today's Virginians -- especially those from prosperous and post-modern Northern Virginia -- supposed to make of it? The folks at Appomattox have taken what strikes me as a very appropriate tone. Their displays focus on the details of what happened when Lee surrendered, without much effort to judge. Looking over the shredded flags, the broken swords, and the tattered Bibles left behind by soldiers at Appomattox, one's mind focuses on the exhausting years of campaigning that led to the surrender -- as well as the hundreds of thousands of men in blue and gray who didn't live to see it. By simply concentrating on the unadorned facts, the curators have given everyone room to process the events of Lee's surrender as they choose.

For myself, I contrasted the 99-degree heat we experienced today with the much milder weather the armies would have seen back in April 1865. Virginia, like Kentucky, is cursed with grey, dreary winters and oven-like summers. But in between, April and May offer a carnival of colors and pleasant days that almost make the rest of the year worth it. And so I thought of those men who had been fortunate enough to survive a long winter -- or even a series of long years that had killed so many of their contemporaries -- and who had wondered whether this would be the last spring they would ever see. And I could imagine how relieved they must have been when they realized that it was finally over, and that they would live after all.

You will notice that I have little to say about the golf -- not only because I didn't see it, but because the tournament is basically over. On a windy day that destroyed most players -- as Eric has noted, Miss Emma Talley shot an 81 that left her in a tie for 56th place -- Na Yeon Choi ensured that yet another golfer from South Korea will capture the National Open. Choi blew away the field with a 7-under par 65 on a day when only four other women could break par, and no one else shot better than a 69. Given the circumstances, I can't think of any more dominant performance in a USGA event since Tiger Woods won the 2000 U.S. Open by 15 shots. This will be Choi's sixth LPGA win and first major title -- if she keeps playing like this, she will win many more.

Leaderboard after the third round:

1. N.Y. Choi (KOR): -8 (71+72+65=208)

2. A. Yang (KOR): -2 (73+72+69=214)

T3. L. Thompson: -1 (70+73+72=215)

T3. M. Miyazato (JPN): -1 (71+71+73=215)

T3. S. Gal (GER): -1 (71+70+74=215)

6. V. Hurst: Even (71+70+75=216)

T7. P. Creamer: +1 (73+73+71=217)

T7. N. Castrale: +1 (73+70+74=217)

T7. L. Salas: +1 (69+73+75=217)

T7. I. Park (KOR): +1 (71+70+76=217)

T7. C. Kerr: +1 (69+71+77=217)

T7. S. Pettersen (NOR): +1 (71+68+78=217)

Number3Son and the Power Outage

One of the more surprising aspects of life in Northern Virginia is how often the power goes out. As far as I can tell, our power company operates on the premise that they will have just enough workers to keep the lights on under normal conditions -- but any major crisis throws the whole system into an uproar. Since Northern Virginia has some of the worst weather in the civilized world, we experience a couple of major crises per year.

So when a storm knocked out the power on Friday night we knew we were in for it. Sure enough, down the street from us a giant tree had fallen into the power lines, pulling down the lines, snapping a telephone pole, and blocking the street.

Sunday morning we still had no power, but we could hear chain saws coming from the downed tree. Number1Son, SmartMom, Number3Son and I walked down the street to see what was up. There was a crew there chopping up the tree. But they were not from the power company; they were worried about clearing the road. Still, it was good to see some progress.

But not for Number3Son, who has inherited his father's pessimism. He spent the next hour or so gloomily predicting that we wouldn't get power for another two months -- or maybe two years. Finally, in response to his siblings' claims that power would be restored sooner than that, he began to insist that we would "never" have power again.

Frazzled from the heat and with no reason to stay at home, we left our neighborhood and headed downtown, where we spent a pleasant day in various air-conditioned places. Even Number3Son started feeling better after he got some cheesecake. Finally, around 10 o'clock at night, we headed home. As we drove through Northern Virginia, we could tell that progress had been made -- there was significantly more power than there had been the night before. The mood in the van improved -- until we came to our street, which was still shrouded in darkness. We drove down to the fallen tree, where we saw that it had been mostly chopped up and cleared away, although the telephone pole and the power lines were still down.

Number1Son was extremely discouraged by these facts, as he realized that the power would likely be out for longer than he had expected. In fact, a general air of gloom settled over the van as we headed to our darkened house. But in the darkness, I could hear the cheerful voice of Number3Son calling out from his seat in the back: "You know, they've made a lot more progress than I expected."

Mississippi St. 64 - 73 Kentucky (No. 2,079)

Rick Stansbury was born in Battletown, Kentucky, played basketball for Meade County High School, and played college ball at Campbellsville College, but somewhere along the line he developed a different understanding of the game than most Kentuckians. People from Kentucky are generally taught to respect the game. Play hard. Make your free throws. Get back on defense. All the bromides that are yelled almost every night at a high school somewhere in the Commonwealth during basketball season. That's the Kentucky creed, handed down from Coach Rupp himself. The ultimate expression of the creed, perhaps, was the Unforgettables -- UK's 1991-92 team that lost to Duke in the Elite Eight. That team had four guys (three from Kentucky and one from Indiana) who were supposed to spend their college careers sitting on the bench, but John Pelphrey (from Paintsville), Deron Feldhaus (from Maysville), Richie Farmer (from Manchester), and Sean Woods (from Indianapolis, Indiana) came this close to making the Final Four -- because they were in great shape and they played the game the way it's supposed to be played. That's why their names are in the rafters at Rupp Arena.

But Stansbury is a heretic. His teams at Mississippi State are the Oakland Raiders of basketball. Their whole demeanor and approach to the game is about as far from the Unforgettables as you can imagine. Stansbury has evidently decided that the way to succeed at Mississippi State is to recruit really talented kids with questionable attitudes -- and then hope that they'll show up for the big games. Almost every year, it seems like Mississippi State fields the same basic team: a bunch of head cases with worlds of talent who regularly blow games to teams like Auburn and Georgia. And then, when Kentucky turns up on the schedule, they circle the wagons and play out of their minds.

Because of this mix of talent and desperate effort, MSU has become one of the most dangerous opponents on UK's schedule. Look at the results since 2002 (home team listed first):

01/05/2002: Mississippi St. 74 - 69 Kentucky (OT)

02/23/2003: Kentucky 70 - 62 Mississippi St.

03/16/2003: Kentucky 64 - 57 Mississippi St. (SEC Championship Game, New Orleans)

01/13/2004: Mississippi St. 66 - 67 Kentucky

02/19/2005: Kentucky 94 - 78 Mississippi St.

02/01/2006: Mississippi St. 66 - 81 Kentucky

01/13/2007: Kentucky 64 - 60 Mississippi St.

03/09/2007: Mississippi St. 84 - 82 Kentucky (OT) (SEC Semi-Finals, Atlanta)

01/15/2008: Mississippi St. 69 - 64 Kentucky

02/03/2009: Kentucky 57 - 66 Mississippi St.

02/16/2010: Mississippi St. 75 - 81 Kentucky (OT)

03/14/2010: Kentucky 75 - 74 Mississippi St. (OT) (SEC Championship Game, Nashville)

02/15/2011: Kentucky 85 - 79 Mississippi St.

With the exception of the 2005 and 2006 games, every one of those games was very difficult -- four of them went to overtime.

So I have been dreading this return to Starkville all season. My only hope was that MSU was due to have a low-scoring game -- in their three games against Calipari-coached teams, they made 10, 10, and 12 three-pointers respectively.

But that hope seemed to go out the window quickly, as MSU (which had just lost three straight games to fairly mediocre teams) came out on fire. In the first half, they went 6-12 from three-point range and 7-7 from the line. Meanwhile, they were showing an unaccustomed intensity on defense. They are normally one of the worse defensive teams in the SEC, but they were all over the place in the first half, holding UK to 38.7 percent shooting. Plus, they hammered Kyle Wiltjer, sending him to the sidelines with an undisclosed injury after only four minutes. He did not return, and the Cats trailed 41-28 at the half -- their biggest deficit of the year.

Cal said after the game that MSU should have been up 20 at the break, but they were worried about getting to halftime with a big lead. In the locker room, Cal told his team they were only down six baskets, and he made a key defensive change. In the first half, Dee Bost (the long-time MSU point guard) had torched the Cats for 16 points. Cal had not put Michael Kidd-Gilchrist (the UK defensive stopper) on Bost because he wanted to press MSU, and MKG's role in the press meant that he couldn't guard Bost. Now Cal assigned MKG to Bost, called off the press, and awaited results.

Meanwhile, back in Northern Virginia, Number3Son and I were very nervous. Before the game I had warned Number3Son of how dangerous MSU could be. Now, looking anxiously at the blackboard where we keep score and the other blackboard that contains the SEC Standings, Number3Son said he was afraid we would be falling to 12-1. But he stayed anyway, in the hopes that his hero, Doron Lamb, would finally get hot. Meanwhile, Number1Son and SmartGirl each made rare appearances in the rec room during a UK game -- they could presumably sense the unusual tension in the air.

The next 45 minutes or so were quite frantic. Number3Son and I, who have been able to watch most of the games this year in peace and comfort, were hollering after almost every play, and I kept pointing out key moments to Number1Son and SmartGirl (who were very patient with their father). Kentucky was playing much, much better -- they cut MSU's lead to 43-39 in only four minutes. But now Teague had gotten into a funk, making silly turnovers and fouls and not getting back on defense. And Darius Miller, who had been cold, was so hesitant to shoot that Cal pulled him from the game. Meanwhile, strange stuff was happening on the court. Davis made a spectacular steal and dunk to make the score 45-41 -- but he was called for a silly technical foul for hanging on the rim, and the two FT's made it 47-41. Then UK benefited from some make-up calls, and cut the lead to 50-47. A few minutes later, Teague was called for his fourth foul, and MSU's free throws made the score 55-48 with 8:06 left. Teague's foul trouble gave Miller another chance (Calipari later said Miller would not have returned otherwise), and Miller's three-pointer made it 55-51. But a few possessions later, with MSU leading 57-53, Lamb missed a three-pointer and Dee Bost buried his own three-point shot to make the score 60-53 with only 6:28 left. Kentucky called time.

During the timeout, I told Number3Son that we pretty much had to shut out MSU the rest of the way, and he said that any UK player who gave up a basket at this point should be "punished." But I still hadn't given up, because I was convinced that the MSU players -- who were not used to putting out this sort of effort, having not done so all year -- were starting to tire. (Maybe the press was more effective than I thought.)

And down the stretch, their tiredness -- and a revived Darius Miller -- made all the difference. Coming out of the timeout, Miller drew a foul on a three-point shot (the MSU fans were furious, but I thought it was a good call) and made all three free throws. 60-56. Then Miller stole a lazy pass, and MKG hit a runner in the lane. 60-58. MSU responded with its own jump shot to make the score 62-58, but the Bulldogs were no longer capable of playing the physical man-to-man defense they had played in the first half. Instead, they were trying to hang on with a sagging zone. But down the stretch, MSU's lack of energy killed them:

4:44 left: Miller nails a three-pointer. 62-61, MSU

4:16 left: Dee Bost misses a layup, Davis gets the rebound and feeds to MKG, who misses a layup, gets his own rebound over two or three tired Bulldogs, and scores. 63-62, UK (MKG was fouled, but missed the free throw).

3:52 left: After another MSU miss, Davis is fouled while battling for the rebound. But MSU insists that MKG was fouled, and so he ends up having to take the FT's. Karma punishes MSU, as MKG makes them both. 65-62, UK.

3:40 left: Renardo Sidney, MSU's overweight center (who could be great if he were in shape), is fouled but misses two huge free throws. Lamb draws a foul at the other end and makes a free throw to put UK up 66-62.

2:10 left: After another MSU miss, UK holds the ball for almost the entire shot clock -- and then Davis drives all the way threw the exhausted Bulldogs for an easy lay-up. 68-62.

1:27 left: After MSU finally makes a jump shot to cut UK's lead to 68-64, the Bulldogs go back into their 2-3 zone. The Cats patiently pass the ball around and around -- and finally hit Miller, who nails another three-pointer to make the score 71-64 and effectively put the game away.

And that's why you have to respect the game. Down the stretch, UK had no bench (Teague had four fouls, Wiltjer and Vargas were in no position to play), and Cal had to rely on five guys (Jones, MKG, Miller, Lamb, and Davis) who had each played more then 30 minutes. Plus the Cats were on the road. Plus they had spent much of the last hour trying to overcome a double-digit deficit on the road. But our guys were grabbing rebounds and making plays, while the Bulldogs were spent.

Finally, with UK up 73-64 and less than 30 seconds to go, Number3Son said he thought UK was going to win after all. We ran up to tell SmartMom what had happened. High fives all around. And I hope we don't have to go back to Starkville for at least two years.

The Cats are now 13-0 in the SEC and 27-1 overall. They have clinched at least a tie for the SEC regular-season crown. They had five players in double-figures (Jones had 11 points and 6 rebounds, MKG had 18 points and 10 rebounds, Davis had 13 points and 11 rebounds, Lamb had 11 points, and Miller had 12 points, all in the last nine minutes). They overcame an MSU team that went 9-20 from three-point land and 11-15 from the line -- but which made only 32 percent of its shots in the second half.

Shooting Note: The Cats went 6-16 from three-point range (37.5 percent) and 17-21 from the line (81.0 percent). Davis, Lamb, MKG, and Miller all hit big free throws down the stretch, while Miller's three three-pointers were absolutely critical to their victory. We will hope this type of shooting continues.

Final note for Eric: After the game, the UK radio guys interviewed Davis, but he gave all the credit for the victory to Miller. He said that Miller is the team leader, and that playing with him is like having Coach Cal on the floor.

U.S. Open -- Day 3 Wrap-Up

Notes from a day at the U.S. Open with most of my family:

1. After the usual two-hour commute, we got to the course around 11:20 AM. It was a bright clear day; warm, but not too hot. As the day wore on, we got the sort of hazy cloud cover so common on hot summer afternoons, but it never turned to thunderstorms.

2. Of course, we immediately started at the Trophy Club with another round of concessions. Number 2 Son went for a BBQ brisket sandwich, while Smart Girl stuck with her hot-dog order from yesterday. Smart Mom had what appeared to be a very nice salad, while Number 3 Son had a chocolate chip cookie and a meat-lover's pizza slice. I had my usual two hot dogs. The place was packed as always. I can honestly say that in three days at the U.S. Open, almost every concession stand I saw was absolutely packed. Americans must be the hungriest people on earth.

3. After eating, we set out in search of golf. Smart Mom wanted to see McIlroy, but he didn't tee off until 3:50 PM, which left us with quite a bit of time. We started by going to the 10th hole, which was an absolute madhouse with people everywhere. (The crowds today were simply enormous.) Then we wandered up to the third green, where we watched a few holes. And then we tried the fourth green.

4. By this time, it was getting close to 2 PM and morale was very low among the kids. So we left Smart Mom at the fourth green and went back to the concession stand. This time we got three bottles of Mountain Dew, one bottle of Pepsi, one bottle of water, and four Blue Bunny Lemon Chills. The latter is basically a very tangy, very thick lemon sherbet, and it was excellent.

5. But our location at the fourth green was not ideal. Smart Mom could see the green, but not the hole. Plus spectators were constantly having to work their way around the kids, who had taken to sitting on the ground. So we worked our way over to the second hole. This time we found a perfect location for Smart Mom where she could see the entire green complex, including the hole. Plus, about 50 yards away, between the second and third fairways, was a small cluster of shade trees far enough from either hole that no spectator ever walked there. The kids and I settled into this area, which we called "The Grove." We lay on the grass. We watched the Met Life blimp. We talked about a version of Plants vs. Zombies set at a golf course. I explained to the kids that the Grove symbolized the virtues of rural life; there's not as much to do or see in the country, but folks leave you alone and let you live as you please. Number 3 Son later decided that the Grove was the high point of the day, and that the trees were happy to have had someone finally sit under them. (Smart Girl and Number 2 Son went with the Trophy Club as the high point.)

6. Finally, at around 4 PM, it was time for McIlroy. We left the Grove and strolled over to the 2d fairway. We saw him hit his drive, watched him walk up to the green, and then headed over to the ropes used to mark a path from the 2d green to the 3d tee. We knew from past experience that the golfers would have to walk along that path -- and so we were within a few feet of McIlroy as he headed to the 3d tee. After watching his tee shot, we met up with Smart Mom and headed for home.

7. Of course, we had to make one more stop at the Trophy Club. Brownies, cookies, fruit and Pepsi were the order of the day, as we restored ourselves for the homeward journey. And then we went to the merchandise pavilion, where Number 2 Son got two polo shirts, Smart Girl and Smart Mom got tee shirts, and Number 3 Son said he didn't need anything.

8. We ended up getting home about 7:30 PM. All in all, it was an excellent day, and I am already curious about the possibilities of getting to the 2013 Open in Philadelphia.

9. As far as I could tell, the crowd today was very pro-McIlroy. This makes sense, as all of us in Washington tend to be very good at spotting when a new leader is on the horizon and in rallying behind that leader.

10. Oh, and the South abides. While on the course I saw people wearing gear from 10 of the 12 SEC schools; the only ones I couldn't find were LSU and Mississippi State.

11. There's really not much to say about the golf until after the fourth round, at which point I have a feeling that there will be quite a few things to say. For now, I will simply note that we are on the verge of a new era in golf history:

1. R. McIlroy (NIR): -14 (65+66+68=199)

2. Y.E. Yang (KOR): -6 (68+69+70=207)

T3. R. Garrigus: -5 (70+70+68=208)

T3. J. Day (AUS): -5 (71+72+65=208)

T3. L. Westwood (ENG): -5 (75+68+65=208)

T6. S. Garcia (ESP): -4 (69+71+69=209)

T6. M. Kuchar: -4 (72+68+69=209)

T6. F. Jacobsen (SWE): -4 (74+69+66=209)

9. K. Kim (KOR): -3 (69+72+69=210)

T10. D. Love III: -2 (70+71+70=211)

T10. H. Slocum: -2 (71+70+70=211)

T10. B. Jobe: -2 (71+70+70=211)

T10. H. Stenson (SWE): -2 (70+72+69=211)

T10. B. Van Pelt: -2 (76+67+68=211)

U.S. Open -- Day 2 Wrap-Up

There were a number of short thunderstorms this afternoon, so there are still a very small number of groups that haven't finished the second round. To be honest, none of these people matters. At this point, the only thing that matters is whether Rory McIlroy can finally capture the major title that his talents clearly merit. If he does, and given that he's only 22 years old, then I think he may make a run at Nicklaus's major record himself.

Jeff Overton went 72+72=144 and is only two over par and in a tie for 33d place. He made the cut.

Chris Williams of Moscow, Idaho went 76+73=149, which left him in a tie for 97th. He missed the cut, but he will feel good about his effort.

Other players of interest who are projected to miss the cut include Rickey Fowler, Hunter Mahan, Paul Casey (ENG), Stewart Cink (who shot 70 yesterday and 77 today), Ian Poulter (ENG), Ernie Els (RSA), David Toms, Jim Furyk, Angel Cabrera (ARG), and K.J. Choi (KOR).

Here are scores of prominent players who will likely make the cut but who are out of the top 10: Charl Schwartzel (RSA) and Louis Oosthuizen (RSA) are both at even par; Phil Mickelson and Lee Westwood (ENG) are at one over; Padraig Harrington (IRE), Martin Kaymer (GER), and Steve Stricker are at two over; Retief Goosen (RSA), Dustin Johnson, Luke Donald (ENG), Bubba Watson and Anthony Kim are all at four over.

Here is the leaderboard:

1. R. McIlroy (NIR): -11 (65+66=131)

2. Y.E. Yang (KOR): -5 (68+69=137)

T3. R. Garrigus: -2 (70+70=140)

T3. B. Snedeker: -2 (70+70=140)

T3. M. Kuchar: -2 (72+68=140)

T3. Z. Johnson: -2 (71+69=140)

T3. S. Garcia (ESP): -2 (69+71=140)

T8. A. Quiros (ESP): -1 (70+71=141)

T8. R. Palmer: -1 (69+72=141)

T8. K. Kim (KOR): -1 (69+72=141)

T8. R. Rock (ENG): -1 (70+71=141)

T8. H. Slocum: -1 (71+70=141)

T8. D. Love III: -1 (70+71=141)

T8. B. Jobe: -1 (71+70=141)

Oh, and coverage tomorrow will be delayed as Smart Mom and Number 3 Son will be joining Number 2 Son, Smart Girl, and myself at Congressional.

A Short Story from SmartMom

Back to School

The third-grade classroom filled up quickly with the buzz of cheerful voices. John was showing Mike the cast he had gotten from a biking accident. Laura, whose hair was bleached from the sun, was admiring Kelly's new shoes. Gloria slid behind the group at the door and found her way to her desk in the back corner.

The classroom had a fresh, well-scrubbed look. All of the chalk on the ledge of the chalkboard was unbroken, and the erasers were clean. The tissue box on the teacher's desk had not yet been opened. Every desk had a name written on a paper ruler in Teacher's Cursive; the desks, of course, were arranged alphabetically.

"I hoped that we would be sitting together," Samantha said to Gloria. "We're always in the back. I like having a 'T' last name."

"Yes, but I wouldn't want a 'Z.' Greg has been last on the list every year."

Mrs. Dalton stepped to the board and called for everyone's attention. She had the reputation at school for demanding a lot of work, but most kids liked her anyway, because she never yelled and was fond of field trips. She did not have to raise her voice to cut off the last whispered conversations. "Welcome, everybody. I hope everyone is ready for the third grade. We will be doing many, many things this year, and with everybody's help, it will be a great year."

There were only a few new faces in the room; most of the class had been together since kindergarten and had long-standing alliances and feuds. Ada scanned the faces of the new people and wondered which of them might be friendly; her closest friend at the school had moved to California over the summer. Military families always had to move at a bad time. Ada thought that the one who was taking notes seemed a little intense. Maybe the one next to her, the one with the glasses, would be nicer.

Mrs. Dalton had finished her discussion of classroom discipline and was moving on to the homework part of her opening statement: "This is the third grade, people, so that means 30 minutes of homework every night. Plus 20 minutes of reading. Library doesn't start until next week, so I have books available to borrow if there is nothing interesting to read at home. Everybody needs a book by Friday; we will have free reading every Friday afternoon."

Somebody in the front asked a question about what type of book it should be. Mrs. Dalton replied firmly, "It has to be a chapter book with more words than pictures. That means no comics, no graphic novels, and nothing under 70 pages." The questioner persisted; he had meant fiction or non-fiction. Samantha and Gloria rolled their eyes at each other; Andrew always asked questions meant to make him look more clever than the rest of them, and he was always angling to talk about history.

Mrs. Dalton continued, "We will have a book report every month. With all of the reading time, this should not be problem."

Jackie raised her hand, "Can they be typed?" Jackie couldn't wait for things to be typed. She always asked that question.

Mrs. Dalton shook her head no. "They will be handwritten, and we will work on them in class."

Henry raised his hand. "When is the first one due?" Ada could just imagine him rushing home to find the book tonight. She thought about the last book report last year; she had been proud of the drawing on the cover, but it had taken so long! Now they had eight book reports to look forward to.

Mrs. Dalton had moved on to her discussion of math. "We will be doing multiplication this year, and I cannot emphasize enough how important flash cards will be. Start with addition review."

Samantha whispered to Gloria, "I hate flash cards." Gloria nodded sympathetically.

Mrs. Dalton was showing the new Social Studies book. "We have a new book this year, but we will still have the fifty-state test. In fact, we will have a quiz tomorrow on the Northeast." At this, the classroom erupted: "Tomorrow?" "Nobody told me!" "We're not ready!"

Andrew, for once, asked the question everybody wanted answered: "Will it count?"

Mrs. Dalton calmly replied, "Mr. Stephens, you have nothing to worry about. Your children have been reading the chapter on the Northeast for a week; they will do fine. Now, Mrs. Greene, if you could hand around the chaperon sign-up sheet; we have a field trip in two weeks to visit the space exhibit at the science museum."

Gloria saw Andrew write his name at the top of the chaperon sign-up sheet, and she turned to Samantha as the other parents lined up to talk to Mrs. Dalton, "I'm glad I don't have to go to third grade anymore. I think these kids have harder work than we did when we were kids."

Samantha replied, "Are you kidding? Did you see how many book reports we have to do? It's going to take forever to get them done?"

Gloria patted her friend on the back, "At least we have the field trips."

A Message from SmartMom for the Beginning of the School Year

Somewhere between Goodnight Moon and AP Physics lies the perilous land of the Dread School Projects. They attack by ambush and often in packs, and while a seasonal pattern usually prevails, late outliers are a perpetual danger. Tread carefully here, friends, for much sleep has been lost and many gray hairs gained for the sake of making education fun. Before the DSP is done, you will question the meaning of life, whether French-Canadian-American has one hyphen or two, and if grits really count as an ethnic food.

Unless you are truly canny and can sense impending disaster, the afternoon of the Start of the DSP seems so pleasant. The year or the quarter has begun satisfactorily; no one has lost his lunch box in a week, and homework was actually completed on time last night. This is the calm before the storm, an easy trap for the complacent. You may not bask in the accomplishment that your child finally concedes that 6*3 and 3*6 really are 18 every time, not just on odd Thursdays. You are about to meet a mighty foe, cleverly concealed as a piece of paper in your child's backpack.

As you pull it out, you see the words "interests" and "family," maybe even "special" or "creativity." Do not be deceived; these words are to lull you into a false sense of security. This kind of feint is common in the Dreaded Getting to Know You School Project. After all, how can one get one's own biography wrong? It's not like the teacher can grade on content: "No, I'm sorry; the Awesome Family Trip took place in 2007, not 2006. I had to take points off; try to be careful about dates next time." The lack of content, however, raises the stakes on execution, and if you cannot build a box kite whose panels represent the individual members of the family, then you may be in trouble.

The first thing to do, though, before you panic, is to determine the due date. While you may gain credit among your fellow parents for turning around a major project in two days, you will get no credit from the teacher if it is late. So, how much warning did she give you? Did she mention it on Back to School Night? Do you have all quarter? Will this count as 50% of the semester exam? Is it due this week? Also, how promptly has this missive gotten home? Many a project has faltered after a trip through the Backpack Time Warp. Depending on the delivery lag time, you may wish to register your shipping and handling complaints with your child after it is All Over, or you may have the luxury of a word to the wise now.

The next item of business is the Inventory of Materials. The hallmark of any Dreaded School Project worth the name is the use of unusual materials. You may have glitter, paint, white pillowcases, and a glue gun at the ready, but how is your supply of molasses? Perhaps now is the time to invest in that light box. Be sure to consult your child's preferences now; you do not want to learn the night before the DSP is due that your thoughtful choice of poster board has been an unforgiveable source of embarrassment for at least two years now. Color is important, too; make sure that everyone agrees on the lavender fabric before you start.

Then comes the Inventory of Expertise. Will this project require cooking, sewing, carpentry, or use of spreadsheets? How good are you at Power Point, anyway? Do you need a security clearance, or will an active or retired member of the Armed Forces do? Can you transliterate "St. Petersburg" into Cyrillic letters? Remember, you cannot create the itinerary of a flight from New York to Havana because it is illegal to fly to Cuba from the United States. Also, the early settlers of Virginia did not enter the country through Ellis Island.

Once you have gathered your materials and research, do not underestimate the time-consuming nature of formatting. If there is the slightest possibility that you will have difficulty downloading an audio file of a sound effect, it will happen now. Make sure the pirate travel brochure is three-fold and not two-fold; you don't want to lose points now. Also, check the ink cartridges on the printer before 10 P.M., and beware of the freak power outage: if you see dark clouds, you may want to print now and edit later, just to be safe.

Once the project is done, you have to let it go. You really can't hand-deliver it to the classroom; it just isn't done. Wish it well, wave it out the door with your child hidden behind its bulk, and do not call it back to fix the errant comma in the caption. Taking off work or finding a babysitter to see the presentation is a personal call, but go knowing that the die is cast. There is nothing more to do except to hope that your child is happy and that you will learn the grade before your child forgets the topic.

Someday the Dreaded School Project will come home, a shell of its former self, with no more power to terrify, to live with other vanquished projects in the basement. That day, one of the last of the school year, will be sunny and warm, and your child will have to hold the DSP because of all the other stuff coming home in his backpack. You will notice that your child does not look quite so small behind it, and you will smile a little wistfully. Then your child will run to you, answering your smile, and give you the project to carry. You will then go to the park, or you may get ice cream, but you will not open the backpack, lest you find the assignments for summer reading.